Let's talk more about some of these problematic ways that we respond to an emotional experience. First off, it’s important to understand that humans do not simply have emotions that pop up and then subside. Instead, emotions work more like a feedback loop. When we notice the arising of an emotion, we automatically start looking for the triggers outside ourselves or even inside our minds for what has led to this emotion in this moment, so that we can respond to it. Often though, our responses are partially or mostly in our minds as we decide how best to make sense of- and seek control over a potential threat or loss, or even a pleasurable or rewarding opportunity. This way of responding to emotions is natural and healthy most of the time.
However, what we call “reactive responding” occurs in distressing moments that provoke a jumble of intense negative emotions, where our responses often prioritize escaping, avoiding, dampening, or withdrawing from the intensity of the emotional experience even if it interferes with what is important to our happiness, and obligations to family, relationships, work or school. Distress leads us to talk to ourselves in ways that we hope might reduce the distress in the short-term, but in actuality worsens and prolongs our suffering. In particular, worrying often helps in the short term to create the illusion that one can control anxiety by reducing uncertainty. Rumination can seem like a form of problem-solving as we pour over possible solutions or responses to something that did not go well. Self-criticism is common in response to having gotten emotional in the first place; or perhaps in response to our lack of assertiveness or dependency upon others.
We can also try to dampen our emotional experience and gain control and safety with our behaviors. For instance, we may ask confidants or loved ones for reassurance in troubling times when we feel unable to tolerate our emotional lives and hope that others will instrumentally support us in this time of need. Distress can also lead us to reduce contact, to isolate, or to avoid persons, places, or activities when we tell ourselves when there appears to be no possible solution to an actual or perceived problem. Finally, when we feel distressed we might be more prone to compulsive repetitive behaviors, including over- or under-eating, drinking, smoking, or drug use, or engage in self-destructive behavior.
However, what we call “reactive responding” occurs in distressing moments that provoke a jumble of intense negative emotions, where our responses often prioritize escaping, avoiding, dampening, or withdrawing from the intensity of the emotional experience even if it interferes with what is important to our happiness, and obligations to family, relationships, work or school. Distress leads us to talk to ourselves in ways that we hope might reduce the distress in the short-term, but in actuality worsens and prolongs our suffering. In particular, worrying often helps in the short term to create the illusion that one can control anxiety by reducing uncertainty. Rumination can seem like a form of problem-solving as we pour over possible solutions or responses to something that did not go well. Self-criticism is common in response to having gotten emotional in the first place; or perhaps in response to our lack of assertiveness or dependency upon others.
We can also try to dampen our emotional experience and gain control and safety with our behaviors. For instance, we may ask confidants or loved ones for reassurance in troubling times when we feel unable to tolerate our emotional lives and hope that others will instrumentally support us in this time of need. Distress can also lead us to reduce contact, to isolate, or to avoid persons, places, or activities when we tell ourselves when there appears to be no possible solution to an actual or perceived problem. Finally, when we feel distressed we might be more prone to compulsive repetitive behaviors, including over- or under-eating, drinking, smoking, or drug use, or engage in self-destructive behavior.
A big part of ERT is helping you break the cycle of reactive responding when you feel distressed and an important first step is noticing where you are in this negative feedback loop. In ERT, we often ask clients to picture a dirty snowball, which probably has rolled down a hill, and in the process, picked up dirt and grime and twigs and leaves, and has formed a hard icy shell. It didn’t start that way! At the top of the hill, right after the snowfall, the snow started out pristine and fluffy because pure snow is just a frozen form of water, with nothing added. Our initial emotional and motivational reactions are much like a ball of this pristine and pure snow. But, when we are feeling distressed, we may become preoccupied with efforts to escape or de-intensify our emotional experience, which may be symbolized by our pristine snowball rolling down the hill and becoming dirty and hardened along the way. Reactive responding, in the short run, might help us reduce the intensity of difficult negative emotions, but like a dirty and icy snowball, all it really accomplishes is closing us off from the original emotions and the motivational pulls that would serve to guide us in helpful ways.
It’s for these reasons that now, over the next 8 sessions, and ideally, going forward in your life, we encourage you to pay attention to your emotions, all of your emotions, even the difficult ones so that you can find helpful and effective ways to respond that reduce the burden and intensity of your distress. ERT has ways to help you.